Dear Ex Lover: You Needed Me

From my experience, Men (and women) constantly accuse black women of being bitter and lonely, but I’ve learned men are the ones that are truly afraid to be alone. This is why I soulfully laugh when many men try to accuse me of such. Single sisters I know that are supposedly “bitter” are out here enjoying their life to the fullest. Finding ways to fulfill their needs and desires in other pleasures around them. They become carefree, basking in their glory and remaining focused on their own dreams and visions, undisturbed.

Yet when many men see this, he becomes envious. “How dare she be over there looking all happy and shit, and its not because of me?” In other words: “How dare she leave me here, when I desperately need her to guide me”. Any glimpse of her unhappiness becomes his egotistical pleasure of “she missed me”. He centers her life around himself, even he’s not in her focus or sight.

If he doesn’t come to terms with his own insecurities, this resentment will fester and deepen. He often reacts in attack mode. He struggles to find alignment with her beauty, her dreams, her visions, and her goals. He lacks the courage to stand beside her without being compelled to be the leader of her life. Yet she is already leading her own. A soul-lead and purpose driven life.

He will constantly try to inject fear into any black woman he comes across. He needs her to be less than herself. He needs her to be the shadow to his glory. He needs to feel like a man. He believes that he can take energy and support from her on his terms only. He goes on a campaign trying to convince other black women to desperately need him. He becomes greedy and desires multiple women. He becomes prideful and still convinces the women around him, they desperately need him.

He desires to be healed, restored, and nurtured. But only on his terms. Even if he’s not ready or chooses to, her attentiveness strokes his ego and fulfills him. He tries to convince his loved ones she’s crazy, hateful, or bitter if she rejects his control. He tries to convince his homies that he never needed her, so he can still be the brother they desire. To still be in the boys club, they can’t love these hoes. Yet they love to be loved by them.

Ive learned that men are absolutely lost without women. Many fear the day most black women realize this. The tables turn, and power struggles emerge. One is power over another. One is power over self. This is why you see too many men taking the lives of the black women that leave them. Often times taking his own life afterwards. Many men spend most of their lives trying to convince black women to choose and need him. They say, without him she will fail, and won’t find another man to satisfy her. They convince black women they are worthless without a man. Worthless without Him.

Who’s really choosing who? Who aligns with who? Who leads who? I’ve seen how abusive and deadly men can become once they feel abandoned/neglected or rejected. Despite seeing the many black women abandoned by the men in their lives, I see them display acts of resiliency. They adjust, adapt, and push forward despite the resistance. They become creative in finding ways of self-pleasure and leisure. They find their desires in even the smallest and simplest things.

When more sisters realize their own power, perhaps we can see some improvements in our interpersonal relationships with men in general. One that doesn’t include a self-sacrifice of our dreams, desires, and wants. One that doesn’t include an unequal weight of burden. One that includes a progressive change that includes the happiness of all involved. When I see the words “choose wisely”, usually it’s used in a way to attack black women. To leave us in shame and guilt for our choices. However if we were to choose based on wisdom, who would be empowered? Who would crumble and fall?

We convince ourselves we need a man, and without one we serve no other greater purpose. A man is indeed useful, and in many instances needed. However is this need placed above our own humanity, our own desires, and our own dreams? Where’s the courage to make the powerful choice for yourself first? Do we submit to men or do we submit to our own fears? Fears of being alone? Fear of violent responses? Fear of being judged? Fear of being other than a “good woman”? If I have to be convinced to need a man despite living just fine without one for years, who needs who? You Needed Me.

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