This morning I woke up feeling sensual. I gave myself self pleasure and enjoyed every moment of it. I had made love with myself, playing my “intimate” playlist in the background. Then I remembered that I wanted to pray. So I immediately changed my playlist to my gospel playlist and I prayed. Afterwards I felt it creep up……. THE SHAME. The shame that I felt for self pleasuring myself.
I feel like I am being watched and judged all the time. I feel like I am being harshly criticized and told that I am a sinner. This is when I realized how deep the religious indoctrination is within me. Religion has taught me that pleasure was only reserved for the husband, but I never relied on a man to give me anything. This is also the independent black woman indoctrination. One teaches me to rely on myself, and the other to rely on a man.
I am conflicted within because of the conflicting narratives that have been taught to me. I am confused because the messages are confusing. What is sin? Am I a sinner? Is self pleasuring a sin? Am I independent? If I am not, am I codependent? Will I be punished for sinning? Do I have the right to choose for myself? What are my rights? What is the LAW?
What I discovered this morning is how I as a woman have been programmed to feel ashamed for being sexual. The clitoris is made for pleasure. Should I not receive pleasure? I know I deserve it. Religion has taught me that my sexuality is for my partner, and more specifically men. So when I am alone and pleasured, am I “sinning”? I love my body and loving my body is not a sin. Loving my vagina is not a sin. Pleasuring myself is not a sin. It’s a sacred act I have with myself and it’s my sacred pampering principle. My body is sacred, and pleasure is sacred. My body deserves pleasure.
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I used to feel the same way but I’ve learned it’s the THOUGHT PROCESS that goes into self gratification that makes it unhealthy and what I mean by unhealthy, I mean more than just on a spiritual level. We have to ask ourselves what goes through our mind in order to obtain that orgasm and most of the time our climax is not obtained just through touch. Once you start it you sinned and if you continue to think it then when you have a relationship finally you tend to resort back to not needing a man to fulfill that also sacred process originally designed for man and woman. Now I know whoever is reading this may question my comment but it’s scriptural and I guess if you don’t believe in a higher power then I can’t really help you. Also please note, I struggle with self-gratification myself and I have found not one orgasm is accomplished without perversions of the mind. Just my opinion.