This morning I woke up feeling sensual. I gave myself self pleasure and enjoyed every moment of it. I had made love with myself, playing my “intimate” playlist in the background. Then I remembered that I wanted to pray. So I immediately changed my playlist to my gospel playlist and I prayed. Afterwards I felt it creep up……. THE SHAME. The shame that I felt for self pleasuring myself.
I feel like I am being watched and judged all the time. I feel like I am being harshly criticized and told that I am a sinner. This is when I realized how deep the religious indoctrination is within me. Religion has taught me that pleasure was only reserved for the husband, but I never relied on a man to give me anything. This is also the independent black woman indoctrination. One teaches me to rely on myself, and the other to rely on a man.
I am conflicted within because of the conflicting narratives that have been taught to me. I am confused because the messages are confusing. What is sin? Am I a sinner? Is self pleasuring a sin? Am I independent? If I am not, am I codependent? Will I be punished for sinning? Do I have the right to choose for myself? What are my rights? What is the LAW?
What I discovered this morning is how I as a woman have been programmed to feel ashamed for being sexual. The clitoris is made for pleasure. Should I not receive pleasure? I know I deserve it. Religion has taught me that my sexuality is for my partner, and more specifically men. So when I am alone and pleasured, am I “sinning”? I love my body and loving my body is not a sin. Loving my vagina is not a sin. Pleasuring myself is not a sin. It’s a sacred act I have with myself and it’s my sacred pampering principle. My body is sacred, and pleasure is sacred. My body deserves pleasure.
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