The Dilemma: A Confession

Some crazy things in my dream occurred and at some point I was on the phone with an old friend. After confronting her about something, she asks me: “Why do you hate men so much?”. I was caught off guard. Then I said, “I hate that we need men to survive”. Not too long after this I woke up. Though I don’t know how true the rest of the events are in the dream, but that one statement is true. I hate that we need men to survive. If we want to continue the human species, if we want a family of our own, we will have to deal with men in some capacity. Some will even say: “We will go to the sperm bank”. But what if men decided to stop donating sperm? Let’s not also forget the system they have built, most of the work they do that women simply don’t do. In some way many things we have are because of men. They serve a purpose no matter how much we try to distant ourselves from them.

I also hate that I’m sexually, mentally, emotionally, and physically attracted to men. I even have been trying to force myself to become asexual, because my experiences (observations and conversations) with men have turned me off so much, at the time I couldn’t even look at them without feeling disgust. I’m thoroughly and utterly disappointed and disgusted with how men treat women, and I have no hope that as a collective they plan to change. So for the last three years I have been celibate trying to not only lose my attraction to them, but repair the physical, emotional, and mental damage they have caused me. I didn’t want to be entangled with yet another man who would eventually damage me yet again. Just thinking about the games they played with me enrages me.

In the last month, yet another series of spiritual and psychological attacks on me occurred. Just like before I could see the men involved in my room watching me as I sleep, touching my body, and even possessing my body. My irritation with it all…. i just want them to leave me alone. I moved to a new state recently with the hope that these attacks would stop and they would leave me alone. Then there was this divine masculine man that appeared next to me in my bed. I could feel the power of his energy. The comfort of it. I felt protected. I felt safe. I felt loved. The moments I felt like death was coming for me, I would remember this energy has been with me for years protecting me. I never saw his face, but one morning as I woke up, I saw his body. The body I like. The attraction came back again. All that work these last three years for nothing. Damn, THE DILEMMA. Sad asf!

So eventually things settled down, and the attacks stopped and I realized that I was left here thinking about this man that I saw and felt.  What would I give to have this connection? Who would I become just to keep this connection? Is what I felt what it means to be loved? Unfortunately, I don’t know, because I never felt loved by a man. But what I know is I WANT IT. I WANT TO FIND OUT. My God, I feel so weak. How can I still want something that I ultimately hate the very existence of? I am no better than men. Maybe it’s because they can make me feel as weak as I feel when he comes around. But I can never have him, because I will never trust him, and I will never trust myself around him. Walls just went back up, just like that. Damn, The DILEMMA.

© Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions Of A Black Herstorian, LLC 2021. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions Of A Black Herstorian, LLC with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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