Life provides us with many opportunities of Love, Growth, Lessons, and Change. The lessons we learn from Life and Experience can also be hard impacting, and traumatic. I spoke on many of my own experiences in my blogs here, and from this I developed a resilience to certain situations that could impact my lifestyle and well-being. When it comes to experience, many of our experiences involve interacting with others around us in our families, friendships, workplaces, and school, to name a few. In my life my relationships with others in my life have been both rewarding and tumultuous. As I develop into a mature and grown woman, I recently learned the best way to navigate through the harsh reality of many experiences is to approach them with Zero Fux Given. Sometimes giving too much of a Fuck can slow down your own progress. I learned that when I give a fuck about situations that ended up being a waste of my time, I was met with much regret on the tail end of the experience. Sometimes I would question whether the situation required me to give so much of my time, energy, or attention.
Many times the situation didn’t require so much of me, but I gave myself fully anyway. This also includes me giving too much of a fuck of what people thought of me, and what they had to say about me. I would found myself accessing myself based on the opinions of others, and this impacted my growth as well. As I got older, the less fux I gave. I realized at this point in my life, after enduring many situations that didn’t help me progress, I have Zero Fux to Give to many things, situations, and people that I know will only distract me from my goals, plans, and dreams. The less I gave a Fuck, the MORE I felt a sense of freedom and liberation. I have gained enough clarity and insight where I don’t have to repeat an event, live in regret, or even explain myself in ways I have before. So here I will discuss the Art of Zero Fux Given, and how using this in practice lifted a heavy weight off of my own shoulders.
THE LONE WOLF
I have always had difficulty making friends since I was in school. I would not consider myself the “sociable” type, but over the years I did try to make connections with various people that shared similar interests and personality traits. I also love to be around people that differ from me, as I learned this gave me different perspectives about Life in general and could be a growth opportunity for me. What I found more difficult was defending my own individuality in the groups I became apart of. What I have learned over the years is that many groups, enable a “clique” mentality and are bonded on similar traits, missions, and perspectives. Sometimes these groups can be heavily against individualism. In my own life experience, I found myself outcasted from many groups, for many there were reasons. Many left no explanation for why our relationships failed or the issue for why I wan’t able to fit into the group dynamic(s). The result that came was my ability to accept a position of, THE LONE WOLF. This is where I found myself relying on my own strengths of self definition to deal with being outcasted, singled out, or disregarded.
Though I can pride myself on being able to get along with anyone, I realized the hard way that many will not always reciprocate this effort. I realized the power in being the Lone Wolf is a great way to develop a sense of Zero Fux Given. This gave me the power of my own self-definition that can set me apart from group think, as well as help me discover commonalities to become apart of groups if I choose too. I can define myself for myself, and I can associate myself with like minded individuals. But if i need to stand alone, I can also do so without guilt, shame, or fear of being alone. This is also where I found a great deal of love of self. I am able to love the very things in myself, that many may not find admirable, or likable. I am able to love all of the nuances and facets of myself, but also of others. I am able to develop empathy for others who are not popular or fit into a trend. I become a trendsetter, because I posses something that can set me apart from others, and stand my ground when questioned. The lone wolf position in Life can be a lonely road to travel, but if looked at through the lenses of empowerment, it can be a rewarding experiences that can teach you more about yourself that you can’t learn in experiences with others.
BOUNDARIES AND PRIORITIZING YOURSELF
A great lesson in practicing the Art of Zero Fux Given is the ability to set clear boundaries and prioritize yourself to produce better results in your own life. This can be especially true for those that have been violated repeatedly to no resolve or find themselves mostly in the position of giving. The first step in me developing my own sense of Zero Fux Given came in me defining which experiences is tolerable or not. I would even suggest writing them down so you can refer back to them when you are violated in a way you feel you don’t deserve. Without setting clear boundaries, many can take this as permission granted. You can also reaffirm your boundaries if a boundary is set and someone chooses to violate that boundary anyway. Setting such boundaries teaches you how to prioritize yourself, and contribute to your own self-preservation. At the end of the day, the only one truly responsible for your life is YOU.
A great lesson I learned recently is prioritizing my mental health over everything else. After the death of a close loved one, I found myself grieving longer than I expected. Such events can be hard to determine the longevity of its healing process. During the stages of my grief, I tried to operate at my fullest capacity without considering my own struggles with mental health at the time. This resulted in me feeling “burned out” and tired for days at a time where this delayed my progress in my goals and plans for myself and my family. I learned that I have to prioritize my mental well being, so I could be more productive in my daily life. This also meant cutting ties to certain relationships that were draining to maintain, and prioritizing my inner support circle until I am well and capable to reach my self-sufficiency again, I also found myself entangled in drama that was unnecessary, so I had to check myself in many instances to not entertain every conflict to the extent that my well being was impacted.
In recent months, I decided for myself to pull back from many people, and situations until I felt I was healed. I also found that many people I once depended on for support backed away from me, so I was forced to independently engage in my own healing. In this position it can be heartbreaking, as everyone needs support. After I released myself from feeling slighted, I decided that this was a moment of empowerment for me as well. I decided to become more aware of my needs, wants, and desires. I decided to regroup and recollect myself before I prematurely dived into certain tasks, and plans. I decided that I can find the inner strength to pull myself out of the darkness I found myself in. I decided to hunt the good, and beauty in even the smallest things to keep a smile on my face. I found the freedom in myself to persist despite the roadblocks in my way and any bricks of Life thrown at me. I found myself surrounded by those who remained consistent in my life throughout this process to better identify who my true supporters are. All of this allowed me to understand the power in prioritizing myself and setting boundaries moving forward that were in my best interest, as well as reducing the conflicts between me and others. Unless they choose to continue such, and even then I place myself first in my life, then share.
ZERO FUCKS GIVEN AND MOVING FORWARD
One thing I learned about the Art of Zero Fux Given, it the strength to move forward despite any resistance or anything pulling me back. I found the empowerment to be a self-defining black woman in a society full of stereotypes and the expectations that stems from such. I found the beauty in loving myself in solitude and self reflection. I also found the hidden passions within myself that were forgotten over the years of surviving life experiences. I found the exhale from the drama that delayed my progress. I found the love from those that remained patient with me through this process. I found the unity between me, and my wounded history that was transformed into empowerment. I found the clarity and insight in prioritizing whats was important to me from most to least. I found the inner wisdom of all of my experiences, even the bitter ones. I found a beautiful woman that was awakened in the midst of conflict and chaos, both inner and outer. I found the tools I needed to rebuild myself, even when I had to start over. I found the will to continue on, and push on. I found a tribe that is unique to my experiences. I found the power in my voice and in my silence. I found the Art of Zero Fux Given, and I will be moving forward. Anything else, “One does Not have time for such affairs.”
***Feature Photo Artist Unknown***
© Tanisha R. Coleman, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tanisha R. Coleman with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.