Peep Game: He’s Not Ready, Keep It Moving

You ever meet a man who talks a good game, but when it’s time to actually develop a relationship, you feel as if your putting in all the effort? I have felt this way many times. When I am not ready for a relationship, I make myself unavailable. However, I had to realize that not everyone will do this. Some people tend to date merely, because they are lonely and need a superficial connection just to get them through those lonely moments. Men are guilty of this as well. Many will lead a woman on into thinking he is looking for a steady and serious relationship, just to reap “wifey benefits” until he finds the woman he actually wants to date and marry. Many will come with a whole lot of game. Too many men tend to believe that the bare minimum will carry them over until he is “ready”. Men with game will talk a lot of something, but have nothing to follow up what he says. If you don’t demand what you want, he’ll skate by with just doing just enough to keep you invested in him. If you the type of woman who needs reassurance, you should be looking for actions to follow up. If you don’t think they are practicing what they are preaching then keep it moving. His intentions may be good but if his actions are only the bare minimum, you are NOT going to get maximum results. If you are a sistah serious in looking for a quality partner, I’ll tell you how to peep the game.

Always “Unavailable”

The key rule here is: A man will make time for a woman he is truly interested in. I had to put unavailable in quotations, because that’s the number one excuse I hear all the time. “I’ve been working”, “I’m too busy”, “I barely have time for….”… sistahs, these are all excuses! I know men who will dodge work in any way possible to get in time with his woman. If this is coming from someone that made their self available to date, he may not be interest in YOU. Many men will make you think they are looking for a relationship, but turn around and make excuses for why he’s not available to talk, or date. I noticed in observing men that many men will keep women around that he is not interested in. They will only fit her into his schedule when he wants sex (mostly), or if he is just bored. Don’t fall in to the trap of being the “convenient woman”. That is the woman that the man really doesn’t want, but keeps around when he feels like being bothered with her. In the time he is not with her, he is making time for the things that actually matter to him, like work, his homies, his family, and even another woman he is pursuing. I also don’t know many men that just dates one woman at a time when he deems himself “single”, or “just dating”. Be sure that if you are newly dating a man that you are the one he is actually interested in, and not the one he’ll eventually cut off when he gets what he wants from you.

No woman in their right mind will just sit back waiting for you to make time for her. Especially if the man is entertaining other women. Most dating women I know are serious about looking for a partner and a relationship. Don’t let a man give you bare minimum while he is making himself available to other women. If he does not match your effort or if he is inconsistent, cut him off and keep it moving. Tell him, he can try again when he is ready, but only of you’re “available”. This also applies to being willing to see you. Unless this is a long distance relationship over 4-6 hours away that requires you to get on a plane, there is no excuse for someone to not be able to see you within the first few (3-4) weeks of talking to you. And that’s me being lenient. You can drive to the next state over in a weekend period. If they are not trying to see you or willing to, they may have something to hide or just plain not interested in you. He should be just as excited about seeing you as you are about seeing him. If you have to ask more than ONE time, keep it moving. There are plenty of men out there that will hit you up and tell you “get dressed baby, we are going out”. If he aint that one, then he ain’t THE ONE.

The “Hope Seed”

The “hope seed”, is what I call planting hopeful ideas into the mind of a woman, while expecting to half ass while her feelings grow for him. Many narcissistic men are good for this, because they just love the idea of a woman loving him to boost their ego. He will tell the woman everything that she wants to hear, and some are even good at showing interest through their actions. However, when its time to fully commit he’ll come up with many excuses to go fully into the relationship. I even know men that will do this in relationships with women, but dodge marriage for YEARS if she allows him to. I see this seed planted all the time and even feel victim to it. Once I became consciously aware of this, it was no turning back. I’m cutting men off left and right. The “hope seed” is tricky, because it sometimes comes in the disguise of “promises”,”words of affirmations”, or “terms of endearment”. Makes you feel all good inside and turns on that bright light of hope, but after a while you realize it’s all game and your left just standing in the dark confused.

Example. I’m a great communicator (this is not debatable lol). If I feel unsure about a man who is half assing, I will let him know. I will address my concerns about him not putting in enough effort, or where I believe he is falling short. Like, “I’m giving you these warnings, are you going to show and prove?” However, some men can only recognize when he has a good woman, but not when he is ready for one. He will plant that hope seed, “baby, one day we will get there”……. “one day”…..When is that day coming? Am I supposed to sit back and wait for you to BECOME ready, when I am ready NOW? That’s not how it works, so “Be Blessed”. CUT! (Looks over shoulder) NEXT!

If you’re not ready now, don’t think you’re just going to put me on layaway just to make irregular deposits to eventually have me going back onto the shelf. It don’t work like that. I was looking for CONFIRMATION and reassurance on whether you are ready like you claim you were in the beginning. I’m not looking for “one day” or “someday”. I need you to tell me what you are willing to do for me NOW moving forward. I need for you to tell me you are willing to move forward, like I am. I don’t need any false hopes just because you like my conversation, or admire my beauty, or so you can get temporary fulfillment when I give you my time, and energy. I’m not looking for anything superficial, I need something organic. If you know your worth ladies, realize that you need reciprocation and make sure that man truly knows your value. For anything of true value, you work hard to pay it off as soon as possible so it can be in your possession. The same for relationships. If he really wants you, he will work hard to keep you so he can take you off the market. Make that man work for you! You are a catch, and you are worth it! Minimum effort doesn’t give maximum results! So stop giving these men maximum benefits when they are just giving you the bare minimum and “hope”. You deserve the best from a man, so stop settling for what you hope it can be, keep it moving.

The Penis Picture

Now I am a huge admirer of the human body, and quiet as its kept I consider myself a “size queen”. However, if you approach me saying that you intend to date me, I don’t need you to send me a penis picture days after talking. The fastest way to get you on the cut list. This happens more often then it should. I have had dates scheduled for the upcoming weekend, but on Tuesday night when he is feeling horny, BAM! (Insert the penis picture). At first I used to ignore them and let them have their moment. However, as I’ve learned these are not moments, these are clearly their intention. Ive learned this the hard way. You can’t just laugh this mess off. If he is sending you pics of his penis after days of talking to you, then how many others is he sending these pics too? Now if it was a picture of his chest or something you might get a pass. However, in my mind, I’m thinking that this upcoming date comes with a side of penis and I may not want it. This will get you cut off immediately, “Be Blessed”.

Now as I’ve said, I learned this the hard way. Don’t get me wrong, I’m something else behind closed doors, however if I say I want a relationship that’s what I want and mean it. There was a time I gave someone a pass and still went on the date. Poor choice on my part. I know before I even go out with someone whether I want to give them some, but my panties and bra didn’t match that night. He just kept telling me how nice his place was and how big his bed was. I caught on to his game, and from that point on I was turned off. I even paid for my meal even though he asked me out. Now men are buying you dinner just to get in bed with you. Sad. If I was about that life, he wouldn’t even have to do that. When I want it, I’ll say it. I go months and even years at a time without sex, so if I want some I would get it. Note to fellas: if you are forthcoming from the beginning then you may save some money. Many women nowadays are more accepting of having dick appointments. Women are learning to adapt to how men date. Sistahs, don’t let fall for the temptation. Your home girls may be like, “girl you ain’t had none in a while”, but that doesn’t mean hop on the first one that pops up in your inbox! I am definitely “pro-hoe”, but I am anti-foolish. Let a man think you are just pussy, and that is how he will treat you. Sis, you deserve to be treated like ROYALTY.

“I’m Just Looking For A Friend”

Other phrases that comes in mind are, “I’m just looking for someone to kick it with”, or “I’m just looking for someone to chill with and have a good time”. These phrases are “code red” signs for women who are “relationship prone”. When I say relationship prone, I mean women who tend to love hard or fall hard easy. Women who only like being in a relationships. You need a man who loves like you do. Sometimes their intentions are very clear, however some women will plant in their mind that a relationship is possible. They believe if they “play the role” of the girlfriend well enough they will eventually get the part. That’s not how it works. You can’t get the role if they aren’t even casting for one. This is slow and painful torture that I’ve seen many women put themselves through. This is how situationships occur, and in the end you are the one most likely to come out hurt or damaged. Believe me, my situationship was the most devastating relationship I’ve ever been in and lasted almost two years.

If you are relationship prone, you can’t turn your feelings on and off so don’t even try. You’re not built that way. We live in a society where people take relationships like a joke or another way to flex on instagram for a bunch of strangers. So I see alot of people making it acceptable to be team “no feelings” or team “we don’t love”. Because of this, many women feel pressured to join these “teams”, because they feel like the odd man out. They feel like they need to act as if they don’t have feelings just so they can get a man. Well, I am here to tell you STOP IT! There is nothing cute about feeling you are able to sleep with or date multiple people and not catch feelings. I’m my honest opinion, this is a mental illness, (Yeah, I said it) and does nothing but add to the slow decline of marriages and the increase of “oops” babies. So I’m here to tell you today. Stop trying to suppress your loving abilities, just to raise your potential in getting an honorable man. Let men be their emotionless selves if he so choose. Your loving abilities is the BEST part of yourself. You heal and grow through LOVE. You deserve receive love abundantly and give it to someone who will not only appreciate it but return it. In order to achieve this you need to be more selective in your choices and not let your poor choices select you!

How much time do you have to waste?

I read an article once where Jill Scott stated her relationships last six months and if she doesn’t see them being married she keeps moving. I’m Jill Scott 2.0. We don’t need to be dating no more than three months before we move into a relationship and one year into a marriage. Some may believe this is too fast, but if he is supposed to be “the one” its really not fast enough in my opinion. I’m approaching those biological clock years, and I don’t want to chase my children around the house while I’m changing my Depends (Sarcasm) waiting to see if “he’s the one”. If there is enough consistent effort, that is enough time to get to know someone and do a background check. I don’t have time to waste, and I’ve wasted plenty already. Now some women may feel this is too much and that’s understandable. However, in regards to dating, it’s only so much dating you can do before you need to establish a relationship. You can’t just let men get away with dating you for too long before you need to have that talk with him. Make sure you clarify too, because some women will think that just because you cook for him, sleep with him, or spent some time with him that it means you’re in a relationship. However too many times women won’t ask, and then one day he wants to play that, “we’re still talking” card and still seeing other people. For six months? That’s not how this works. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that kind of time.

In closing, these are just a few signs I’ve either experienced or observed. Men are constantly changing up their “game” so there could be more signs of them wasting your precious time and energy. These are just the basic signs and as I go on my dating journey if I see some more, I’ll follow up. I had to get this out there today because too often than sometimes I see people just wasting their time over and over I had to reach out to my sistahs and put them up on game. I would love to see more sistahs in love, and making healthier dating choices. I will love to be invited to more weddings, and see sistahs started families with healthy partners. If you are a sistah currently trying to survive dating, I hope I was able to open your eyes a bit, or at least put things into perspective. Feel free to also share what you have learned. I love exposing the male pimp game, because their love games are played out.

© Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions Of A Black Herstorian, LLC 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions Of A Black Herstorian, LLC with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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