I’ve had my fair share of tumultuous experiences with men I’ve dated in the past. It’s even compelled me to write a book about it and share these experiences with my fellow sistahs. At one point, I’ve become so bitter and hopeless that I’ve never thought of ever finding the “good man” that I know I deserve. I also find my close friends often struggling to find the same thing. “I just need a good man”, “Are there any good men out there?”, “Do they still exist?”. I believe and know they do. However, based on a recent experience, I’ve learned that finding a “good man” is simply not enough. There are several other factors when searching for your “soul match” that will also come into play. Have we become so broken that we often only search for a person to mend our broken pieces, and not actually connect with them otherwise? Are we looking for compatibility or just comfort? I’ll explain in detail my situation:
I met a man that had opened my eyes to something I have yet to find in any man I’ve dated. He was the complete opposite of my exes. For that reason I believed this would be the perfect man for me. In my definition he was a “good man”. As I explained in a previous post, I desire a man that possesses the qualities of the four “P’s”; to be able to provide, protect, profess, and procreate. That is the foundation of a “good man” for me and this man had all four of these qualities. I found myself feeling as though I no longer needed to make myself available to another man. After all, we have told ourselves that when we find a good thing we hold onto it. However, as we continued to get to know each other, I began to realize that a lot of things made us very incompatible. We did not share the same spiritual beliefs. We did not share the same ideas as it relates to the structure of a household. Meaning, he wanted a woman that stayed at home, and I am definitely not the homemaker type of woman. He believed a man should be the sole financial provider, whereas I prefer the idea of a partnership when it comes to finances. Despite the fact that I had my reservations about our differences in beliefs, I still decided to continue to get to know him. I’ve allowed myself to take a chance, mostly out of fear that I wouldn’t be able to find another man as good as him or that can offer as much.
As time went on, we began to have many disagreements, because we could not get our beliefs in sync in order to effectively communicate. I require some space and “me time”, yet he required more attention than I could give. I wanted to compromise on many things but he wanted full cooperation. Yet again, I still overlooked these signs because the only thing I could wrap my mind around was, “I’ve found a good man”. Finally we met in person after talking for several weeks, and then reality hit. There was absolutely no chemistry. Our vibes were not connecting and instead of flowing naturally we were actually butting heads more than anything. Since he still had a lot of interest in me, he tried very hard to connect with me, however it was more forceful if anything. As I tried to explain to him, if something is meant to be it shouldn’t be forced, it should just “flow”. However, he wasn’t understanding. His explanation was “if I am a good woman, and he is a good man then we should be able to just make it work.” I respectfully disagreed and from there things only got worse to the point where all possibilities of a relationship completely diminished.
There are certain characteristics that people are naturally attracted to whether it will be someone’s charm, their humor, their vibe, and/or their mannerisms. If these characteristics don’t catch our attention, then our interest will be lost and a connection will be hard to make. If a deep enough connection can not be made, it will be hard to overcome just for the sake of having a “good man”. At least for me. As I’ve learned recently, a good person can be good for you but not “meant” for you. You can be a good person, but you also need to possess the ability to attract people. By attraction, I’m speaking more on vibes and energy than physical appearances. We have to be able to engage people in a way that will keep them interested, and when we lack that quality, we open up the door for other people to attract those we have an interest in. We have to constantly find ways to keep the attention of our partners or potential partners and keep the connection strong. As much as I hope for a “good man”, I also need a man I can connect with deeper than just what he can do for me. I need more than a “roommate”, I need a SOULMATE. Unfortunately, sometimes being a “good man” is just not good enough.
I am realizing that in every relationship I have been in, I was the interesting one. I was the deeper individual. I was the one that wanted to have safe fun. I was the one that brought the love, care, devotion, passion, dope energy. I AM THE MAGIC. I was the one transforming the men and giving the benefits. I was the one bringing the entertainment. Maybe it was, because these men weren’t interested in me, but I obviously let my sexual attraction to men override my ability to see that they were mediocre. I’m thankful I didn’t waste too much time with them.
Looking back on your relationships, and what you actually bring to the table. You will most likely see that you were the magic too. You were the one that kept it going, and alot of those men were boring and uninteresting. Men need to step their game up and actually be likeable. They need to go on some deep soul searching to discover what brings them joy and bring that to the relationship. They need to be more adventurous and spiritual. They need to develop their emotions and bring passion outside of sex. They need to be devoted to the woman they are in a relationship with. They need to tap into their human center and bring the love out. Will they do the work? We’ll see.
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