I Don’t Need To Know Why

 “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a woman, I put away childish things.” 1 Corinthians 13:11

I’m no longer a child, so I dont have time for many games. If I played by his rules, I’d continue to go insane. He’s a man that didn’t love me, and I don’t need to know why. Nothing I have done to him applies…..to the man he revealed to me. He used to appear so chill to me, but the pain he inflicted on me can’t be put on ice. I should of thought twice. I knew a long time ago I’d never be his wife. I have no reason to cry. At one point I thought I wasn’t worthy. I realize now that he doesn’t deserve me. I was good to him. I was honest. I never lied. I couldn’t get through to him, no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to know why. That was my excuse to remain in contact. But I couldn’t make him talk without a contract. I can never get him to discuss what was exact. Instead I got sugar coats and half-truth. I blamed him for robbing me of my youth. I am ashamed sometimes to say I was used. Emotionally and spiritually abused.

He doesn’t want to be a villain. He’s a perfect man for any woman….. in the world he lives in. He thought I would love only him, and I gave him the pedestal. He used me like a tool…. Like a hoe. Why? I may never know. I never claimed a title, just a growing woman as far as I know. Trying to find the path I should go. What direction was he headed? Every time I tried to dig deeper, I was bedded. Never a thought to be wedded. But I deserve to be a bride, a woman, a wife. I deserve to be a lover, a friend, a mother. I guess love was my lesson. Loving a man who’s a nightmare, not a blessing. But I called him a good man. He a career, a car, a home, and was good to his children. But what about the women? Sometimes I wonder. Did any other woman fall victim to the wounds caused by another? Was it his mother? Sometimes I ponder, I wanted to know why me? Will he lie? It don’t even matter, because I don’t need to know why.

I just deserve to be loved.

ARTWORK: KIRSTY LATOYA, “DROWNING IN EMOTION”

© Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions Of A Black Herstorian, LLC 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions Of A Black Herstorian, LLC with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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