November 2011 felt like the next few years of my life will be one of grief. I was in love with a man that didn’t belong to me. Yet, he didn’t belong to another woman. At least to my knowledge. Either way I was heartbroken. I sometimes think he enjoyed it and wanted me to be hurt. “I have to get over him”, is the first thing that came to my mind. The pain was strong in me. I felt shame. I felt guilt. I felt like I hated myself for falling so deep, only to drown in his ego. I was young, dumb, just looking for fun. But fun is not what I can say describes how I felt about him. It wasn’t fun loving him. He wasn’t loving to me. And it was painful.
I spent the next few years of my young days asking myself: WHY? Why did I have another failed relationship? What went wrong? Was it my fault? Was it mine or his loss? What did I learn? What did I gain? What did he? I kept asking myself questions. I kept pondering over the idea of failure. I beat myself up over it. I hated myself for it. I hated him for it. This is GRIEF. The first emotion I remember was ANGER. I was angry more so at myself. I am sometimes a perfectionist. Sometimes I want things to just be perfect. For Me. I felt as though I deserve it. I try hard to do the right thing, just for a perfect result. What I learned from him is that I don’t have control in situations where more than myself is involved. I can’t control the actions and behaviors of others. I can’t control how others feel about me. I can’t control the fact he didn’t love me. And I couldn’t make him love me. I couldn’t make him trust me. I can’t hope for him to change. It wastes my time, and pulls me into his game.
For years I carried this anger for him and myself, I carried this like a dead weight. As I explained in my previous blog about grieving this loss, grieving him took a toll on me not only personally but professionally. I was angry that he didn’t care about the damage he caused. I wanted him to care. I wanted him to be apologetic. I wanted him to worry about his karma. I wanted him to care. I had to come to accept that I can’t control that either. Some people just don’t have the capacity to care. Some just don’t have the capacity to love me back. I continue to grieve, cry, write, and wonder. I continued this way for years, until last night when I had a dream. I had a dream of me being happy with another man, this was the first time I actually believed that happiness with another man was possible. Funny right? A man that triggered my depression, is a man that I thought would eventually make me happy. I was wrong, and I owe it to myself to make it right. I shall move on.
This morning when I woke up, I sat on my couch and pondered on the dream I had. I was with another man and that man enjoyed my company. I enjoyed his company as well. There were other people in the dream. He was in my dream. They weren’t happy for me. They were angry with me. Not only was I letting go of him, but all the drama associated with him. The drama that entertained others and made them feel happy to see me in pain over him. This is real life. Many didn’t want me to be happy when they were entertained by my pain. Entertained by my traumatic story. It fed them. It fed him. He’s a man who loves drama too. I realized this morning that letting him go was releasing more weight than I expected. It made me realize that I’m releasing more people as well that stayed around to see a tragic ending to my story. I refuse to accept this tragedy. I refuse to accept further consequence for a past choice. A mistake.
I instead embrace the lesson. I instead embrace the challenge of letting go. I instead embrace a new future that is uncertain, then the familiar pain from my past. I no longer reside there. I rather just be here. This morning when I found new hope, I realized, I am completely over him. And I smile. I smile just thinking about how happier I will be without him. How much lighter I will feel not carrying that weight anymore. I feel like I can glide on skates as I walk through the remainder of my life. I want to just glide through and walk a new path. I decided not to date so I can focus on getting the things that I lost while grieving him. I am focused on my goals and my visions. I am motivated for more success to come my way. I am ready to push him away if he tries to return. I am ready to write about the lessons I learned. I am ready to embrace a new man. I am ready to family plan. I am READY. ALWAYS READY. For something new. If I have any words left to say to him, it’ll be “I AM OVER YOU”.
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