“Choose Wisely”: If A Black Woman Was To Choose Wisely, A Black Man May Not Be Chosen

This article is opinion-based on experience and observation of black relationships and why black women need to consider exploring their dating options to ALL races.

The black community love to tell Black Women to “choose wisely”, but hate to see black women explore her options in ways that black men do. Much blame for failing black families falls onto the shoulders of black women due to the hatred of black single motherhood. One day, I came across a post on Facebook, Where a Black woman was discussing Donald Trump, and his proposal for reduction in welfare benefits, and unpaid maternal leave. She spoke specifically how this will affect single black mothers. Of course anytime welfare is brought up, black women come into the minds of many automatically. The post centered on telling black women to “choose wisely”, and celebrate this proposed policy in helping black women do as such. Here is what she said:

“After trump cut off you females cheap and free housing food stamps and all other government benefits and goodies that you get for having bastard children with ain’t shit niggaz with swag that black women like so much. i guarantee you, you won’t be so reckless with your vaginas anymore and will start looking for those educated too nice lame corny brothers with good careers and benefits that you never liked before.No more helping building and holding down bums.only the strong successful educated career black men will survive these next 4 to 8 years , pussy misconduct will no longer be rewarded by government funds. Black women have no choice but to date fuck and have kids with quality black men again.”

– Orisha Moon, Facebook.

Of course black men (and some women) came onto this post, cheering her on and supporting her message for black women to finally make responsible choices in partners. However, what was failed to be spoken on in this post, is if black women were to “choose wisely” to avoid the consequences of “pussy misconduct”, would the available choices of quality black men increase? A New York Times article from 2015 stated that 1.5 million black men where missing in America due to male violence rates and incarceration. The reality is: If black women were really as picky in choosing quality black men, A LOT OF BLACK MEN MAY NOT BE CHOSEN! Outside of the black men missing from their communities, the black male collective don’t protect their own neighborhoods from gun violence, and can’t financially efficiently provide for their families due to issues with poverty. Many black men leave the mothers of their children and enable the 77% of out of wedlock rates in the black community. Many black men hate being held responsible for their children financially, especially through child support, and continue to procreate with multiple women. Black women with black male partners have the highest probabilities of being victims of intimate partner violence. Black male violence in the black community (along with other crimes such as drug and theft crimes) leaves our community unsafe, and filled with recurrent issues of poverty, emotional and mental trauma. The elephant in the room is talking about the failures of the black male collective. Speaking on such makes you “bitter”, “angry”, or “jaded”, yet we tell black women to choose black men of a certain caliber, and not direct them to their whereabouts. Perhaps, “choose wisely” isn’t enough. IT’S TIME FOR BLACK MEN TO STEP THEIR GAME UP. (Listen to this podcast between and black man and a black woman about black male and female relations.)

What I can agree with in her post is that black women need to be accountable for who they date, who they lay down with, and who they procreate with. Black women do need to raise their standards and date ONLY quality and honorable men. I AM PRO BLACK WOMEN MAKING RESPONSIBLE CHOICES! I AM PRO BLACK WOMEN DATING WITH A PURPOSE! I AM PRO BLACK WOMEN PROCREATING RESPONSIBLY! However, to say this simply isn’t enough. If we tell black women to choose wisely, but not tell black men to be that wise choice black women need to make… we create hypocrisy.

HERE’S THE OKEY DOKE: ARE YOU READY FOR WHAT YOU’RE ASKING FOR?

If black women were to vet through black men to ONLY pick men of a certain caliber or that have ALL qualities of an honorable man, you will see the the dating options for black women DECREASE if she were only to choose from the dating pool of black men. The odds of black women choosing quality black men already doesn’t work in our favor. The black male to female ratio is 83:100 between the ages of 25-54 (normal dating range). Black women already have limited available choices, and are choosing the men that are AVAILABLE vs. the men that are QUALIFIED. If black women are as picky as the black community claims they want us to be, understand that MANY BLACK MEN WON’T BE CHOSEN UNTIL THEY STEP THEIR GAME UP! We can’t tell black women to “choose better”, when better choices are unavailable. The other side of the equation is never factored in.

The black community only tells black women to “choose wisely” or “date smarter” when it’s time to blame them for being single mothers or failed relationships. The objective is to say all black women who are single, or single mothers, are so because they only choose “deadbeats, thugs, and bums”. The objective is to keep black women in a state of mania. To send black.women on a blind chase to avoid the harsh criticisms from a community that doesn’t really care about black women, their lives, safety, or well-being. The objective is to keep black women in a desperate position for black male acceptance, so she can in turn be solely scapegoated for all relationship failures. Its a trap I see so many sisters fall into.

The black community loves to tell black women to choose better partners, until they start to see that black men aren’t being chosen. More and more black women are choosing to remain single, or even open up their options to date other races as healthier options for themselves. Once black women are faced with the reality of how difficult it is to vet through the limited choices of black men, thats when the black community starts to push narratives towards to black women to manipulate them into settling. They begin to back track and try to guilt trip black women, constantly repeating typical phrases such as: “her standards are too high”, “she’s too picky”, “she must be a lesbian”, “she’s bitter“, or “she needs to build a man up or hold him down”. The black community is full of toxic contradictions in how they advise black relationship matters. One minute black women need to choose wisely, but when she elevates her standards, then she’s expected to throw on her cape to save the same black men she will be blamed for choosing if the relationship fails.

I’ve grown past tired of seeing black women being the only ones targeted in the black community’s objective to “rebuild the black family”. I believe black women absolutely should stop having sex and giving children to unqualified men. What the black community needs to cease in this process, is simultaneously pushing the “struggle love”, and “build a man up” propaganda that circulates on social media and interpersonal conversations daily. Let black women embark on their journey to become radical choosers and qualifiers of potential partners. Stop trying to force and manipulate black women to cater ONLY to the needs and desires of black men. Black women are waking up more to become unapologetic in their stance. There will be a day where a majority of black women can no longer be guilt-tripped into back peddling for black men who lack in healthy qualities for relationship potential. I await for that day to arrive. Black men need to stand up or they will get left behind.

Articles that are referenced:

  1. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2015/04/20/upshot/missing-black-men.html

  2. http://theconversation.com/gun-violence-in-the-us-kills-more-black-people-and-urban-dwellers-86825

  3. https://www.brookings.edu/research/the-inheritance-of-black-poverty-its-all-about-the-men/

  4. https://soundcloud.com/jackadiamonds/tariq-nasheed-loses-to-housewife

  5. https://now.org/read-this/why-black-women-struggle-more-with-domestic-violence/

  6. https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/stevens/ct-life-stevens-sunday-black-women-white-men-0715-story.html

  7. “Never Bitter, Always Better”

Feature Art Photo: The Swirlers” by @ColorBlindLove

© Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions of A Black Herstorian, LLC 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions Of A Black Herstorian with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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21 comments

    • Absolutely not. The solution is if you choose to date, then CHOOSE WISELY. The blog is only targeting those who is actively dating. not encouraging women to date. That is their personal choice.

      • Oh okay. However, encouraging black women dating outside their race should not be an option. And I would say the same thing about black men as well. As a people, sometimes we have to accept being single and being alone. I know this may not seem popular but it’s something we are going to have to do. And besides, having a partner or significant other isn’t everything. That’s just my two cents.

        P.S. There is no such thing as black single motherhood. There are articles and statistics proving black fathers are very active in their children’s lives regardless of their relationship with the child’s mother.

      • I can suggest anything I wish. I simply am telling black women to explore their options in dating. I dont see anything wrong with that. Also single motherhood is very much a reality for many. I know too many children with absent father to ignore that issue.

      • There’s two reasons why most father’s choose to be absent. One reason, the father choose to be absent on his own free will. The other reason, the mother of their children kicked him out of the house because she feels she don’t need him anymore because the government is her new husband now.

      • Absent is absent. My mama raised me as a single parent and she has jobs. So to me as a child of an absent father I really didn’t care about the reason. He just should of fought to be there.

      • And yes you can suggest anything and I mean anything you wish. But like I said in another message before, there are consequences you must suffer by suggesting anything you wish.

      • What are the consequences though? Opinions from people? Are black women gonna die or something for dating out? Which is funny considering that black men date out more and have for a long time without as much guilt tripping. I think it’s unfair to try to scare black women out of dating who they want just because if opinions. Black women deserve love too no matter from who.

      • BM shouldn’t date outside of their race either. So yes, I am hard on BM as I am on BW when it comes to dating or marrying someone outside of the race. So if you don’t think I love my people because of that, then that is your opinion. And you have a right to it.

      • I love my people too, but who come chooses to date it their personal buisness and not a community issue. I know all non black people aren’t racist and some are more helpful to me then my own people have been so I think who I or another black woman chooses to date is no ones buisness but her own. As long as black women are happy I am happy.

      • If all non black people aren’t racist, then why do these same people shit on us so much?? White people shit on us, Asians shit on us, Arabs shit on us, and the list goes on and on. This is why I’m not in an interracial relationship or marriage despite the fact most BW have an mental illness. And what’s worse, most BM have a mental illness too. BP need therapy and I’m not talking about praying to sky daddy White Jesus.

      • Why shouldnt it be an option. Black women are grown ass wome and can dare whomever they so choose. I wish someone would try to control who I date. I think its smart for the reasons I stated. I know for a fact there is a shortage if available black men, so you are possibly talking about polygamy if all black women only chose to date black men. I think its smart for black women to explore their dating options which is all I am really suggesting with this blog article. I think most women wants a companion at some point so this article is only for dating black women. Tell that lie about the myth of absent fathers to people who actually have/had absent fathers in their life such as myself. Not a myth for me. It was and is my REALITY. Cant trump reality because of a few self reported studies. But it is true that many are seeking full and joint custody as a way to avoid child support which I saw for myself in the recent year and judges are lenient on fathers in court than they are on mothers which I saw for myself due to fathers rights. Again I can only speak on the real life experiences a d not just articles.

      • You’re right, it is their choice. I don’t tell people who I date. However there are consequences to your choices and the question is, do you want to suffer those consequences??? That is something every BW must ask themselves

      • What consequence is there for simply dating non black especially if it’s based on Love?

      • A non black person would not care for your humanity the same way a black person would. A non black person can kill you or land you in jail and get away with it while a black person cannot. Non black people think they’re more superior than you more so than a black person would. A non black person would pollute the black blood line, in which a black person can make the black blood line that much stronger. Black man plus black woman equals black child. If two black people are married before they have children, then that’s even better. These are things black people under 40 are not told so I don’t expect black feminists, hoodrats, ratchet black folks, coons, bootlickers, gatekeepers to overstand.

      • I have no fear expressing my views amongst my people. There are more and more people who support my viewpoints so I’m not worried about all of you swirlers, black feminists, coons, bootlickers, and gatekeepers who rather please massa than please themselves. As long as massa have all of you black feminists, black gays, black faggots, coons, bootlickers, gatekeepers under control, he can do what he wants to y’all. Hell, massa might even spare y’all lives for the time being until he decides to murder all of you. Massa can care less for y’all humanity. That’s all I have to say.

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