“Choose Wisely”: If A Black Woman Was To Choose Wisely, A Black Man May Not Be Chosen

This article is opinion-based on experience and observation of black relationships and why black women need to consider exploring their dating options to ALL races.

The black community love to tell Black Women to “choose wisely”, but hate to see black women explore her options in ways that black men do. Much blame for failing black families falls onto the shoulders of black women due to the hatred of black single motherhood. One day, I came across a post on Facebook, Where a Black woman was discussing Donald Trump, and his proposal for reduction in welfare benefits, and unpaid maternal leave. She spoke specifically how this will affect single black mothers. Of course anytime welfare is brought up, black women come into the minds of many automatically. The post centered on telling black women to “choose wisely”, and celebrate this proposed policy in helping black women do as such. Here is what she said:

“After trump cut off you females cheap and free housing food stamps and all other government benefits and goodies that you get for having bastard children with ain’t shit niggaz with swag that black women like so much. i guarantee you, you won’t be so reckless with your vaginas anymore and will start looking for those educated too nice lame corny brothers with good careers and benefits that you never liked before.No more helping building and holding down bums.only the strong successful educated career black men will survive these next 4 to 8 years , pussy misconduct will no longer be rewarded by government funds. Black women have no choice but to date fuck and have kids with quality black men again.”

– Orisha Moon, Facebook.

Of course black men (and some women) came onto this post, cheering her on and supporting her message for black women to finally make responsible choices in partners. However, what was failed to be spoken on in this post, is if black women were to “choose wisely” to avoid the consequences of “pussy misconduct”, would the available choices of quality black men increase? A New York Times article from 2015 stated that 1.5 million black men where missing in America due to male violence rates and incarceration. The reality is: If black women were really as picky in choosing quality black men, A LOT OF BLACK MEN MAY NOT BE CHOSEN! Outside of the black men missing from their communities, the black male collective can’t protect their own neighborhoods from gun violence, and financially provide efficiently enough for their families due to issues with poverty. Most black men who do leave the mothers of their children and enable the 77% of out of wedlock rates in the black community. Many hate being held responsible for them financially, especially through child support, and continue to procreate with multiple women. Black women with black male partners have the highest probabilities of being victims of intimate partner violence. Black male violence in the black community (along with other drug and theft crimes) leaves our community unsafe, and filled with recurrent issues of mental trauma. The elephant in the room is always talking about the failures of the black male collective. Speaking on such makes you “bitter”, “angry”, or “jaded”, yet we tell black women to choose black men of a certain caliber, and not direct them to their whereabouts. Perhaps, “choose wisely” isn’t enough. IT’S TIME FOR BLACK MEN TO STEP THEIR GAME UP. (Listen to this podcast between and black man and a black woman about black male and female relations.)

What I can agree with in her post is that black women need to be accountable for who they date, who they lay down with, and who they procreate with. Black women do need to raise their standards and date ONLY quality and honorable men. I AM PRO BLACK WOMEN MAKING RESPONSIBLE CHOICES! I AM PRO BLACK WOMEN DATING WITH A PURPOSE! I AM PRO BLACK WOMEN PROCREATING RESPONSIBLY! However, to say this simply isn’t enough. If we tell black women to choose wisely, but not tell black men to be that wise choice black women need to make… we create hypocrisy.


If black women were to vet through black men to ONLY pick men of a certain caliber or that have ALL qualities of an honorable man, you will see the numbers of reproduction DECREASE. The odds of black women choosing quality black men already doesn’t work in our favor. The black male to female ratio is 83:100 between the ages of 25-54 (normal dating range). Black women already have limited available choices, and are choosing the men that are AVAILABLE vs. the men that are QUALIFIED. If black women are as picky as the black community claims they want us to be, understand that MANY BLACK MEN WON’T BE CHOSEN UNTIL THEY STEP THEIR GAME UP! We can’t tell black women to “choose better”, when better choices are unavailable. The other side of the equation is never factored in.

The black community only tells black women to “choose wisely” or “date smarter” when it’s time to blame them for being single mothers. The objective is to say all black women who are single, or single mothers, are so because they only choose “deadbeats, thugs, and bums”. The objective is to keep black women in a state of mania. To send black.women on a blind chase to avoid the harsh criticisms of a community that doesn’t really care about black women, their lives, safety, or well-being. The objective is to keep black women in a desperate position for black male acceptance, so she can in turn be solely scapegoated for all relationship failures. Its a trap I see so many sisters fall into.

The black community loves to tell black women to choose better partners, until they start to see that black men aren’t being chosen. More and more black women are choosing to remain single, or even open up their options to date other races as healthier options for themselves. open up their options to date other races as healthier options for themselves. open up their options to date other races as healthier options for themselves. Once black women are faced with the reality of how difficult it is to vet through the limited choices of black men, thats when the black community starts to push narratives towards to black women to manipulate them into settling. They begin to back track and try to guilt trip black women, constantly repeating typical phrases such as: “her standards are too high”, “she’s too picky”, “she must be a lesbian”, “she’s bitter“, or “she needs to build a man up or hold him down”. The black community is full of toxic contradictions in how they advise black relationship matters. One minute black women need to choose wisely, but when she elevates her standards, then she’s expected to throw on her cape to save the same black men she will be blamed for choosing if the relationship fails.

I’ve grown past tired of seeing black women being the only ones targeted in the black community’s objective to “rebuild the black family”. I believe black women absolutely should stop having sex and giving children to unqualified men. What the black community needs to cease in this process, is simultaneously pushing the “struggle love”, and “build a man up” propaganda that circulates on social media and interpersonal conversations daily. Let black women embark on their journey to become radical choosers and pre-qualifiers of potential partners. Stop trying to force and manipulate black women to cater ONLY to the needs and desires of black men. Black women are waking up more to become unapologetic in their stance. There will be a day where a majority of black women can no longer be guilt-tripped into back peddling for black men who lack in healthy qualities for relationship potential. I await for that day to arrive. Black men need to stand up or they will get left behind.

Articles that are referenced:

  1. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2015/04/20/upshot/missing-black-men.html

  2. http://theconversation.com/gun-violence-in-the-us-kills-more-black-people-and-urban-dwellers-86825

  3. https://www.brookings.edu/research/the-inheritance-of-black-poverty-its-all-about-the-men/

  4. https://soundcloud.com/jackadiamonds/tariq-nasheed-loses-to-housewife

  5. https://now.org/read-this/why-black-women-struggle-more-with-domestic-violence/

  6. https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/stevens/ct-life-stevens-sunday-black-women-white-men-0715-story.html

  7. “Never Bitter, Always Better”

Feature Art Photo: The Swirlers” by @ColorBlindLove

© Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions of A Black Herstorian, LLC 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions Of A Black Herstorian with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.



Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.