Afraid to Love….. MYSELF
A few months ago I saw a quote on the movie, “Mother”: “You don’t love me, you just love the way I loved you.”
This quote sent me to tears. This quote spoke to my soul. What I saw in the parts of the movie that spoke out to me was…. here is this woman. She woke up one day in a bed, and never questioned how she got there. She never questioned what her purpose was. But she woke up loving a man. She loved the beautiful home she was in. She accepted anyone that came through the door no questions asked. Because she loved Him.
She fixed up His home. She entertained some of his guests. Many were intruders, but she never questioned what was going on around her. The guests even tore up her home. The home she worked hard to maintain for her and the man she loved. Yet these were his guests. Towards the end of the movie, she bore a child. Unbeknownst to her, he had plans with the child. The people in the home killed and ate the child. Her lover told her to “forgive them”.
Why? She didn’t even know most of the people in the home. She loved HIM, and trusted HIM. She told HIM several times, she didn’t want the guests in their home. But for whatever reason his fame and love of those people was greater than her love for Him. The result was her losing her child to those people. At the end she cried out in pain of losing her child. His only response was “forgive them”. I felt the betrayal in my soul just watching.
Eventually she grew angry and shook the house. She ran downstairs to burn the house down. He pleaded with her, “baby, I love you”. Her response was the quote above. How could a woman love a man so much that her detriment was only his betrayal? How can a man love a woman, yet he neglected in returning such Love? A love that tolerates. A love that never questions. A love that is patient. For the only result to be betrayal against her?
Today LOVE was on my mind. It’s been on my mind for months. All my life I was on a search for love from those around me. I desired the love and approval of my mother and father. I still feel hurt from trying so hard to receive their approval, love, and nurture. I desired the love of the only man I loved. I never had his love. This lack of love led to a tattoo on my leg, “Love is Pain”. That’s all I knew and have discovered. Yet, today for the first time in my life, I felt the most love and joy within. Despite my dreams the last few months being nightmares. Despite many things in my life falling apart. I woke up happy and in LOVE. Today is the first time in my life I realize the only love I truly need is THE LOVE FOR MYSELF.
I was never afraid to Love my parents. I loved them despite their treatment hurting me the deepest. I was never afraid to Love my family, despite feeling disconnected at times from them. I was never afraid to Love my friends, despite feeling alone many times despite their friendship. I was never afraid to Love a man, despite it hardly being reciprocated. I have always been Afriad to Love myself. Because feeling alone in loving myself was my biggest fear.
Today I realized that I have to Love myself in ways I possibly won’t receive from anyone else. I have to Love myself so that I won’t have to depend on another loving me. I have been cutting off many people I once loved, and they have no remorse for the pain they caused me. Perhaps because they loved themselves in ways I never did. So today I made a choice to Love myself just the same, if not more. I have to heal myself and love myself at the same time. I have to be alone and love myself in ways I haven’t in a long time.
I’m ready and I’m prepared. I’m ready to find the LOVE I’ve been seeking my whole life that was caused by the distractions of trying to Love someone else. I’m ready to just love me. I was loving people, when I wasn’t even loving myself. This is why those people don’t deserve me. I’m no longer afraid to be alone. Even if that means losing those I’ve once loved…. forever.
© Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions Of A Black Herstorian, LLC 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tanisha R. Coleman and Visions Of A Black Herstorian, LLC with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.