“I Thank The Dark Mother for finding me when I hid in the darkness with my rage, my anger, my sadness, and my pain full of tears, questioning whether I could go on. I Thank you for that whisper in my ear that told me to stay strong.”Visions Of A Black Herstorian
What were they preparing you for black girl? Your mother and father? How did their wounds manifest into your abuse and mistreatment? Many black women need to ask themselves this and work through this in therapy. Cry it out. Scream it out. Force that pain from out of your body and give it Life though your words. Replenish the water in your your tears wasted. Soothe your throat with some tea after all the screams. Soothe the pain with some coffee and cream or some hot cocoa. Grab that heated blanket and comfort your body to replace the lack of warm hugs you received. Kiss your skin and celebrate your melanin. But most importantly, face yourself in the mirror and look at the faces of the people who hurt you. Does your eyes hide your mother’s pain of living in Patriarchy? Does you lips look like the lack of praise your father never gave you? Does your nose look like the blackness they both were denied? Does your hair look like the kink they tried to straighten? Do you still see the beauty? If you do, get a coach to help you into the next stage. If you don’t, go to a therapist immediately and discover why until you do. And most importantly, find some sistahs that will affirm your beauty daily, until your husband comes along. In the meantime, let’s talk.
To understand the story of our wounds, we must first understand THE WHO AND WHY. To understand how to heal, we must understand HOW. To know WHEN the time is to heal, the answer is NOW. What this blog will discuss is the WHO and WHY. Who hurt you? Why did they hurt you? How can you heal? All of these answers will take time to come to accept, but feel free to come back as much as possible. I will also share on my page Visions Of A Black Herstorian on Facebook as a constant reminder to do the work. When the time comes, I will help coach those that need it through the process. Until then, let’s address these wounds.
The Mother Wound
The Mother Wound is definitely the most important to address, because it’s the foundation to WHY we are alive. As her children, we want to know WHY did she choose to give birth to us? What did she hope for our future? Why did she choose our fathers to procreate with? Who is she, and can I be her twin? Why does she love me besides being her child? What does she like about me? What does she hate about me to have hurt me so much? That last question is the most important: Why does she hate me so much? Imagine being a black mother in a world hates black women. Every mother has a desire to have children to share love, but most likely she needed love to. Especially in a world where she’s had an absence of true love. How many people have you seen love your mother? How often did you see her showered with love, affection, and gifts? How often did you see her abused? Look at HER mother. How often do you see your grandmothers love her? Why did HER mother have her? If this answers make you feel sad or angry, does this mirror your pain, too? This is called a generational curse and it must be broken.
Some mothers became mothers when they really needed a best friend to love them unconditionally. Especially daughters of overbearing, abusive, and neglectful mothers. So for daughters who had to raise themselves, be her friend. You can still build a strong connection with your mother. You’re looking to her for answers, and the pressure to not disappoint you or fail you causes her to be defensive and become more depressed. This stress causes the erratic behaviors you see displayed sometimes. For the daughters with controlling and overbearing mothers, keep standing your ground as the grown ass woman you are. For the daughters with neglectful and abusive mothers, find a mother figure until you’re ready to stand fully in your power. And remember even friends (sistahs) can give you the motherly love that you need.
- All women are mothers. The Mama, the Auntie, the Grandmother, the friend… Nurture and water your people, but remember your still a woman. So mother yourself first. If you don’t know how, find a way to tap the power within.
- Nurture yourself by giving yourself compassion. Confront every emotions that feels uncomfortable and affirm your emotions. Then give yourself words of encouragement.
- Water yourself by staying hydrated and replenished of good energy. Everytime you feel drained, REST AND DO NOTHING. Sleep as often as you can outside of work and play.
- Feed your soul by only eating good food that not only satisfies your hunger and cravings, but heals you. You can do plenty of research on what those foods are.
- Give yourself comfort by wearing comfortable clothes, keeping a warm home, and snuggling under a warm blanket. You can also indulge in hot drinks to warm you on the inside. Sometimes feeling cold can invite in “cold” emotions. Comfort food also makes us feel good, so indulge as much as it’s good for your health.
- Connect with your pussy and womb. Learn all about her. Feel her from time to time to comfort her anger. Pleasure yourself often.
- Build a tribe of sistahs that will love you, support you, comfort you, motivate you, affirm you, and cherish you.
- Get a therapist or coach that will affirm you when you find it difficult.
- Be a good mother to your children. Celebrate every milestone. Cheer on their victories. Comfort them when they lose. And most importantly listen to them.
- And most importantly, connect with a higher power. If you channel a feminine higher power, it will be more helpful. (Unless you have a father wound, then it will be best to serve two masters).
The Father Wound
The Father Wound is just as important as the Mother Wound, but if you have a Wonderful Mother, it is usually less painful to deal with. The Father Wound usually manifests in defining our worth of being loved by men. If your father was abusive, you may think you are worthy of abuse. If your father was an alcoholic or drug addict, then you may find yourself choosing men with these struggles. If your father was abandoning or neglectful, you may find a man who doesn’t love you as much as you need them. It can manifest in different ways, but this is the general curse. To understand why your father was abusive is to know that he is a man that hates women, because he can’t control her or give birth. To understand why your father is an alcoholic or a drug addict is to understand that he feels worthless, because he can’t control women or give birth. To understand his absence, is to understand that he is not powerful enough to protect his baby girl from all of her enemies. All is to understand that he is not ready for the responsibility to be a King and therefore an healthy example of a man. He can’t provide a legacy for his children. He can’t protect his children from acts of violence. He can’t love a woman that he views as being more powerful than him. But please remember, that HIS internal battles are not YOUR problem. You must go on your own journey to reconcile with your feelings of unworthiness, and you must do this before you find a partner. Especially if you are a heterosexual woman looking for a man.
For the black daughters with father wounds, trust the system in place to protect you. Even your husband doesn’t want to father you. He just wants to be a man (whatever he defines that as). There’s is a system in place to help you feel safe and protected. Find ways to protect yourself. Black daughters with father wounds sacrifice themselves to become the heroes that they needed from their fathers. Take the cape off sometimes and treat yourself like the spoiled princess you are until you become a Queen. At this time, unfortunately, we can’t expect this from men, because they rather be served then to serve. They rather be worshipped then to worship you. They just want to rule, while not protecting and providing for women. They just want power and not stand in it as a servant leader and unfortunately the male servant leaders don’t have the courage to challenge the powers that be. This is why you must muster up the courage to stand in your power like the Queen you are. Only the human female species have yet to learn this. If you want to be pampered and protected, understand that you will only get this if you choose to be a submissive wife. Therefore you will be at the mercy of your husband until he choose to go on an ego death and see you as human.
- The key to refathering yourself is to being self protecting. Learn self defense strategies against physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and financial abuse. Do your research, and seek a processional if you need help.
- One thing that daughters expect from their fathers is affirming of her beauty. So be sure to find the beauty within and if you need affirming, keep around good male friends who shower you with compliments.
- Try not to give your vagina away too freely. Predators know that most women who have father wounds will sex any man just to get male affection. Avoid abusers, by keeping your pussy on lockdown sometimes. Pleasure yourself often.
- Only deal with kind, loving men filled with integrity. Avoid controlling and domineering men that like to argue.
- Connect with a male higher power and ask for protection.
- Avoid dangerous situations and environments. Call the police if you feel you are in danger.
- Avoid older sugar daddies. If no woman his age wants him, he ain’t shit. He won’t treat you any better than the women who left him when he was younger.
This is just a starting point of how to identify your wounds, understand your wounds, and to heal them. Understand that this work is a daily job. Remember that you owe it to yourself to be healed and loved. Remember: YOU ALWAYS DESERVED TO BE A CHERISHED DAUGHTER. But if you can’t be cherished by your parents, then CHERISH YOURSELF.
Love You Black Woman, Tanisha.
“Thank You Dark Mother to helping me not only find God; but to find the God in Myself.”Tanisha Regina Coleman.
© Tanisha R. Coleman, 2022. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Tanisha R. Coleman with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.